Trouble on the Hollowdeck
by Phoenix.of.Justice
Summary: A routine mission turns out to be anything but when a Hollow sends Ichigo, Rukia, and Kenpachi to the bridge of the USS Enterprise!  There, they must work together with Picard and his ilk to figure out a way home, and to save the ship from mortal peril!


_Another day, another white-bread mission from Brother, _thought Rukia Kuchiki as she strode out the gates of Soul Society.

She glanced at her friend Ichigo Kurosaki at her side, who was already gazing into her large brown eyes. He grimaced, as though reading her mind. "Hey, at least Byakuya let us come along this time," he said.

"Yeah!" piped up Kenpachi Zaraki, the third member of the trio. "This mission is going to be a blast with the three amigos on board!"

Ichigo and Rukia nodded in agreement. After all, the three were the best of friends.

Suddenly, Kenpachi's tone grew serious. "Just promise me one thing before we leave, Rukia."

"What's that, Kenpachi?"

"That we stop off to grab some ramen first!"

Rukia and Ichigo couldn't help but burst out laughing. Kenpachi was ALWAYS hungry!

* * *

By the time the three Shinigami had left Soul Society for the human world, their bellies full of piping hot ramen, Rukia's mood had once again darkened as her thoughts returned to her brother. _When is he going to take off the training wheels and start assigning me real missions? More importantly—when is he going to start trusting me?_

Her mission today was simpler even than the usual fare to which she was assigned. A small Hollow, no bigger than a large dog, had been haunting the residents of a poor neighborhood in Karakura Town; Rukia's assignment was simply to hunt it down and destroy it. It almost seemed embarrassing to bring two such highly skilled friends along on such a banal mission, but company was company, and—

Ichigo's hand on her shoulder interrupted her thoughts. "Rukia, we're here."

The three friends touched to the ground in the middle of a moonlit fish market, now abandoned but for a few dozing drifters. The market's stalls and storefronts were dirty and rundown, and the pungent odor of sealife invaded their nostrils.

"Look," whispered Kenpachi. "Over there."

In the shadow of one particularly decayed stall sat what looked like a large bundle of fur, save for the corner of a bony mask poking out of its side. A bit more of the mask emerged to reveal an empty eye socket, and after a few moments of hesitation, the bundle picked itself up and trotted over to the trio, happy to receive their attention.

"He's a cute little fella, isn't he?" asked Kenpachi, reaching down to scratch the shaggy Hollow behind his mask.

"Now, Kenpachi, don't you eat that dog!" Rukia said sternly.

"Aw, gosh, fine," said Kenpachi mopily, removing the dog's paw from his mouth.

Ichigo hunkered down in front of the pooch. "Sorry, dog, but we're going to have to put you to sleep."

The dog looked up at him imploringly. Its eye sockets seemed to widen.

"I know, I know, but see, we've got a job to do, and—"

Rukia, who had been scraping rotting fish innards off her sandals, looked up to see why Ichigo had stopped talking, only to find that he had completely vanished.

"Kenpachi, where did Ichigo run off to?" she asked.

However, Kenpachi didn't reply, and instead continued staring into the Hollow's ever-widening sockets.

Now Rukia knew something was wrong—Kenpachi, ever the stickler for grammar, had failed to correct the preposition blatantly ending her sentence. She grabbed him by the shoulder, only to be left an instant later grabbing at thin air.

From the corner of her eye Rukia saw the furry Hollow's head swing towards her, but before she could raise her zanpakuto or even move out of the way, she felt her own head turn inexorably towards the dog's. Though she fought to close her eyes, all of her muscles suddenly seemed out of her control, and as the dog's eyes bored into her own, she felt a chill spreading over her body, a deep, piercing chill, as in the vacuum of space...

* * *

Everything was business as usual on the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Second Officer Data had recently detected evidence of a previously uncharted Class L planet in a nearby nebula, so Captain Jean-Luc Picard had ordered a full stop for three days, both in order to perform a complete battery of scans, and to allow the ship's crew some much-needed down-time.

Picard himself had decided to devote a few hours to his burgeoning talents with watercolors, and so had left the bridge in the capable hands of First Officer William Riker for the evening. So it was with surprise that he heard the breathless voice of Counselor Deanna Troi requesting permission to enter his quarters.

"Enter," boomed Picard with equal measures curiosity and annoyance. He swiveled in his swivel-chair so as to face the door as it opened. _As long as I'm allotting myself a few hours of private time, I shouldn't withhold the luxury of a few moments of private thoughts._

Counselor Troi strode into the room all aflutter, but Picard took his time to completely absorb her appearance. As usual, Troi wore a form-fitting onesie, which left few of her voluptuous curves to the imagination. Picard's eyes slid from her ample hips, to her slender waist, to her bounteous pair of—

"...need to come to the bridge immediately. Captain? _Captain?_ Are you listening to me?"

_Breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts_

"I'm sorry, Counselor, can you repeat that?"

"I said, _Captain_, that it's imperative you come to the bridge immediately. We have a situation."

Finding his reverie once again broken by the need for a response, Picard sighed. "First of all, haven't you ever heard of using a communicator for messages like these? And secondly, Riker's on duty for the night. Let him worry about it."

Picard swiveled his chair back to his desk, considering the discussion over and tuning out Troi's angry response. He refocused on his private thoughts, and was just succeeding in envisioning Dr. Crusher giving Counselor Troi a thorough, _thorough_ physical, when the meaning of Troi's parting words hit him.

_Space ninjas?_ Picard thought as he strode down the corridor, pulling on his uniform shirt. _What in the name of Federation is a space ninja?_

_

* * *

_

"Number One, report," called Picard as he entered the bridge, collapsing into the chair occupied moments earlier by his first officer.

"Well, Captain," intoned Riker, "several minutes ago Counselor Troi informed me that she sensed a strange presence outside of, but very close to, our ship. Data ran a quick scan for lifeforms, and—well, you'd better see for yourself."

"Onscreen," commanded Picard.

The normal dizzying array of stars popped onto the viewscreen, but against that pitch-black background, a strange grey circle hung in sharp relief. Picard peered closer, and requested magnification.

The circular anomaly was not a circle at all, but a sort of sphere surrounding three humanoid figures. Each was dressed in black, shoe-length robes, one with an additional white kimono of sorts. This figure had spiked black hair, while his taller companion's was fiery orange, and the shortest figure's was long and black.

Picard squinted. Could that shortest figure be a... a _female?_

"Who are they? Where did they come from?" he asked loudly.

"I've determined that the sphere surrounding them must be some variety of force field, as their life signs are all stable," offered Data. "However, I can't identify or locate the source of the field. Furthermore, it does not appear to be impermeable, as the orange-haired being is entering a hypothermic state."

"Any weapon signatures?" asked Picard.

"No energy weapons, but they each appear to be carrying a long blade," Data replied.

"Well, then, beam them aboard at once. Lieutenant Worf, get down there with a security team. Number One, get Dr. Crusher and have her escort the tall one to sick bay. Bring the others to the bridge."

_But where the devil could they have come from? _Picard pondered. _We haven't passed another ship or inhabited planet in ten parsecs. Could this vessel possess some new form of warp engine?_

Suddenly the solution came to him.

"Q!" Picard bellowed. "QQQQQ!"

* * *

It was with mixed emotions that Rukia found herself suddenly transported from the vacuum of space to some sort of strange, glowing platform. Though her body still tingled from head to toe and her heart beat faster than a hummingbird's, her first sense was one of relief as she drew in a long, shaking breath.

_We're alive_, she thought, as she drew herself upright from her position sprawled upon the floor. _But what happened? One minute we were in Karakura Town, the next we were floating in that black void—almost as though we had stumbled through a Garganta, except with no gravity or air. Kenpachi and I managed to insulate ourselves with a sphere of spirit particles, but Ichigo was already half-unconscious. And then, all at once, that tingling all over my body, and now—_

Rukia lifted her head, and her second breath caught in her throat. Five men in red shirts stood before her, all brandishing what looked like the hilts of swords.

Instantly her hand flashed to Sode no Shirayuki. From the corner of her eye she saw that Kenpachi was on his feet as well, his zanpakuto in hand and a gleam in his eye. His grin widened as he raised his blade, and was about to charge forward when a voice rang out.

"WAIT. Wait. Do not attack. Let me talk to them."

Confused, Rukia looked around the room, and realized that the speaker, a large brown man with a hideously scarred face and a rakish goatee, was not addressing them, but rather the five men they faced. Rukia chuckled inwardly. _As if those excuses for zanpakutos could even scratch us._

"Who are you?" she called out. "How did we get here?"

"You are aboard the Starship Enterprise. We are members of the Federation. And we are friendly."

"Starship? Federation? Is this some sort of prank? Who do you think you are? I'll have you know I'm a member of the Byakuya clan, and my brother will have your head for this."

The goateed man's grotesque brow furrowed as he began to step towards them, and Kenpachi's grip on his zanpakuto tightened. Rukia steeled herself for the inevitable clash.

"Hold on," said a female voice. "Wait. Just listen."

A woman with long, orange hair emerged from behind the hulking goateed man, brushing past the arm he put out to stop her. "Your friend is clearly in need of medical assistance. Let me help him, and then we'll answer all your questions."

_Ichigo_. Rukia had forgotten. She turned, and gasped. He was slumped facedown on the floor.

The woman strode past her, and with the help of two red-shirted men, lifted Ichigo onto a stretcher. Rukia and Kenpachi speechlessly followed the stretcher-bearers out of the room and down a strange metallic corridor, followed closely by the large goateed man.

"I hope you know you'll be answering some of our questions as well," he mumbled gruffly.

* * *

An hour later Rukia and Kenpachi (who was busy wolfing down replicated ramen) sat with the senior staff of the Enterprise. Both parties had explained themselves, though neither was sure just what had taken place to bring them together.

"The real question is," Rukia said, "how do we get home?"

Her words were met with silence. Even Kenpachi paused in his slurping.

After a few long seconds, Data, who had been quiet the entire meeting, spoke. "Captain, I believe I have a theory as to what may have occurred."

"Please, Mister Data, share it."

"Well," Data turned to Rukia, "you mentioned that when you travel to this Hueco Mundo, you must first make a sort of rip between dimensions?"

"Yes, that's right," replied Rukia. "It's called a Garganta."

"My guess is that this magical dog you told us of"—Rukia smiled grimly—"must have somehow developed the ability to open these Gargantas himself; however, without the power and control of an experienced Shinni—Shigni—"

"Shinigami," corrected Kenpachi.

"_Shinigami_," continued Data, "his openings are small, intermittent, and lead to a random destination."

"Mister Data, can you illustrate this concept with some sort of ill-fitting metaphor?" asked Picard with a frown.

"Yes, Captain. Imagine all of the dimensions of the universe are contained in one of your Earth books, in which each page represents a different dimension. A normal Garganta would be a very controlled process, through which one would exit one's own page, travel across the edges of the closed book's other pages, and enter a particular different one. That space outside any page would be the black void you described to us as similar to outer space."

Rukia nodded. "So what happened when the dog looked at us?"

"I postulate that this dog's gaze had the effect of flipping through this book and inserting each one of you in a random dimension. It's actually miraculous you all happened to emerge in the same one."

"I might have the answer to that," said Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge. "The tests I've been running include several sensor sweeps measuring local rapid neutrino interference. This involves emitting a tachyon pulse to detect any nucleonic variance in the auxiliary particle network. Given the right atmospheric conditions, this could well have caused a slight gravimetric anomaly in our pocket of subspace."

"What are you saying, Mister LaForge?" asked the captain.

"The area just in front of our ship was essentially a photonic attractor that could have picked up small bodies flitting between dimensions, like a magnet picks up stray metal shavings. It's as simple as that."

"So can we ever go home?" Rukia whispered.

"Well, in about ten hours, conditions will be right for me to run a reverse of my original diagnostic. If we put you exactly where we found you and bounced the echo of a tachyon pulse off your position, I'd say you'd have a good chance of returning to your dimension."

"Alright!" Rukia cried with a grin. Kenpachi slapped Geordi on the back with such force that he began to cough.

The conference room's door beeped and opened to admit Dr. Crusher. Her eyes found Rukia and Kenpachi among the officers, and she smiled.

"I think your friend is coming around," she said. "Would you like to see him?"

Rukia jumped up eagerly, only to feel a hand upon her shoulder. "Rukia," the captain's voice whispered in her ear, "I need to see you in my quarters first. Then you can go see your friend."

Rukia turned to argue, but Crusher and Kenpachi were already out the door. With a sigh Rukia acquiesced and moved to follow Picard.

* * *

Ichigo was stirring when Crusher and Kenpachi entered the medical bay. Crusher rushed to his side and asked the attending medic about his condition, but Ichigo's moan cut off the reply. Crusher took her patient's hand in her own.

"Hello, Ichigo. My name is Beverly Crusher. You're safe now."

Ichigo's eyelids cracked, and he stared up bemusedly at the blur of red hair above him. "Inoue?" he whispered. "Where are we?"

Crusher looked at Kenpachi. "Is this Inoue a friend of yours?" He nodded.

She turned back to Ichigo. "No, Ichigo," she said gently, "my name is Beverly, and you are on the USS Enterprise."

"Inoue!" Ichigo grinned. "How did you get here? Did you meet the doggy too?"

Crusher smiled, then leaned in to Kenpachi's ear. "He's clearly still a bit out of it. Why don't you return to the bridge, and I'll send word when he's more cognizant."

"Alright," replied Kenpachi begrudgingly. "Hang in there, Ichigo. We'll have you back fighting Hollows in no time."

"Right..." Ichigo slurred as he slipped back into the sweet release of unconsciousness. "Hollows..."

* * *

Rukia paced restlessly around Picard's room, her brow drawn into a tight knot. "What's this all about? Why can't I go see Ichigo?"

"Your friend is fine," Picard said coolly, pulling a bottle from a hidden compartment in his desk. "Now, please, Rukia. Sit down, and tell me about yourself."

"I don't see why my life story is relevant to anything," said Rukia, though she still stiffly took a seat on the edge of the couch.

Picard poured two glasses of blue-colored liquid, handing one to Rukia and keeping the other for himself as he settled down on the sofa next to her. "Romulan ale," he explained. "Not very potent, but its piquancy is unparalleled."

He paused. "Kind of like someone I know," he said softly.

"What," said Rukia.

"Cut the coyness, Rukia," Picard snarled, and abruptly arose. "We've been exchanging tender glances all night. I know you thirst for me." With a sweep of his hand he sent the contents of his desktop tumbling to the floor. "The only question now is where and how."

Rukia was speechless.

"Oh, captain..." she began sternly, only to watch Picard peel off his uniform shirt to reveal a glistening mass of muscle-bound torso.

"My captain..." she murmured softly, going to him and tracing his chest-spanning snake tattoo with her middle finger.

Picard slowly slipped one side of Rukia's robe off her shoulder, and then the other. As the robe fell to the ground, they embraced.

* * *

Kenpachi slumped against a console on the bridge, bored out of his gourd. He was considering testing the sharpness of his zanpakuto against one of the ship's bulkheads when a strangely familiar voice caught his attention. He turned around and saw the ship's young helmsman chatting with a yellow-shirted ensign. When the ensign had moved on, Kenpachi walked over to the helmsman.

"Do I know you?" he said to the young man with the hip haircut and winning smile.

Wesley Crusher spun around, eyeing Kenpachi head to toe. "No, but I'd sure like to change that!" he said in a high, feminine voice, like that of a robot designed to act and sound like a total wuss.

"Hey," said Kenpachi, "Why don't we grab a bite to eat?"

"Sure!" intoned Wesley shrilly. "Race you to the mess hall!"

The two fast friends took off giggling.

* * *

"Oh, your reiatsu is enormous, Picard!"

"Oh, satisfy my prime directive, Rukia!"

"Oh, third dance, white sword, Picard!"

"Oh, feel my Roddenberrys, Deanna!"

"What?"

"I mean Rukia!"

"Oh, fill in my Chappy, Picard!"

"Oh, I'm at yellow alert, Rukia!"

"Oh, reap me, REAP ME, Picard!

"Oh, make it so, make it SO, MAKE IT SO!"

"Did you achieve Bankai, Picard?"

"Yes, Rukia."

"How was it?"

"Four lights out of four."

* * *

Kenpachi felt Wesley's warm breath on the back of his neck, and a flush of excitement covered his face. He could sense the warmth of Wesley's chest through the robe on his back, and enjoyed the sensation of the young helmsman's strong arms guiding his own movements.

"Okay, now tap right there to switch to impulse... Yeah! You're doing great, Kenpachi!"

Kenpachi couldn't help but grin at his companion's enthusiastic praise.

"Now, press this forward... Slowly... Slowly..."

Wesley stepped back and began clapping slowly, then whooping with joy.

"You're doing it, Kenpachi! You're steering the Enterprise!"

Kenpachi had never been more excited in his entire life.

* * *

Rukia and Picard, freshly showered and re-clothed, nudged each other playfully in the turbolift as they traveled back to the bridge.

"Picard and Rukia in my quarters," the captain murmured.

"What, are we playing Clue now?" Rukia nuzzled Picard's neck.

"No, just a little something to help expand the Tamarian vocabulary for sexytimes."

They soon reached their desired deck and stepped out onto the bridge arm in arm. Both stopped short at the surprise of seeing Kenpachi at the ship's helm!

Wesley, too, was startled by the new arrivals. "S-s-sorry, Captain," he stammered, and leapt to take over the controls from Kenpachi. "Just showing our guest a good time."

Picard winked at Rukia. "I know the feeling," he whispered to her, and was rewarded with a quick smooch. "We'll let it go this time, Ensign," he said in a more commanding voice, "But in the future, do not allow strange visitors from other dimensions to steer the ship immediately after meeting them."

"Got it, sir," said Wesley, laughing in relief. Kenpachi, now standing next to his console, noticed a strand of hair had fallen across Wesley's eye. Kenpachi tenderly brushed it away.

"Thanks, buddy!" said Wesley.

Kenpachi and Rukia exchanged a knowing look.

Suddenly, Dr. Crusher burst in. "Everybody, listen!" she said with verve. "There is a problem! Ichigo got better and I was showing him around the ship, and we went to the Holodeck, and he was showing me how he fought Hollows, but then the Holodeck malfunctioned and now there are Hollows all over the ship, and they are real!"

Rukia and Kenpachi's knowing look turned into one of steely determination. "Let's do this," she said in a low voice.

* * *

A few minutes later, after several very exciting occurrences filled with action and suspense, the crisis had been averted, thanks to the effective and sometimes humorous teamwork between the Shinigami and the Enterprise officers. No one important died, although one Hollow did become critically injured in the process of saving Geordi's life after it realized that the two races weren't so different after all. And the whole ordeal brought the Shinigami and Starfleet officers, two previously contentious groups, together, like a family of birds. All in all the battle was thrilling in its action and poetic in its significance, like something right out of a story.

Later on, the window for the Shinigami's departure was finally upon them. As they walked to the transporter room, the soul reapers said their goodbyes.

Riker gripped Ichigo's hand long and hard, and tears shone in his eyes as he bid his newfound friend farewell. The two reminisced about their hours spent reminiscing about their homeworlds; in the process, they had discovered that they both loved music and sandwiches. Neither had ever experienced such a true friendship as the one forged that day, and the tragedy of its imminent dissolution was felt deeply.

As Ichigo turned to board the transporter platform, Riker called out to him.

"Wait. I want you to have this."

Riker handed Ichigo a small plastic baggie filled with hair.

"Billy. I can't take this. I can't take your beard."

"I want you to have it."

"No, really. You look like a goddamn smug bastard without it. Please put this back on."

Riker got a little sad.

Meanwhile, as Rukia turned to board the transporter platform, Picard called out to her.

"Rukia, wait!"

She turned around to find him down on one knee, with a ring box in hand and a certain proposition in mind.

"Engage?" he said.

She kneeled down next to him. "Listen, Jean-Luc. You're a great guy, and we had a lot of fun. But I have my own life back home, and I can't just throw it all away."

"What do you have at home that's so important?"

"For example, my brother... well, he's not my real brother, more my dead secret-sister's husband. And my collection of robes."

Picard sighed and stood up. Women always chose their robes over him.

Meanwhile, as Kenpachi turned to board the transporter platform, Wesley called out to him.

"It was nice to meet you, Kenpachi! Have a nice trip home!"

A sob tore itself from Kenpachi's lips, and he stumbled back into Wesley's arms, burying his head in the ensign's chest. Slowly detaching himself from the underage boy, a satisfied resolve came into his eyes.

"Rukia, Ichigo," he said. "I'm staying."

"You can't stay here, Kenpachi," said Ichigo. "You weren't meant for this world. You belong with us, in Soul Society!"

Kenpachi smiled. "All my life, Ichigo, I've felt like I didn't belong. Like I was different. Like I was meant for something else. And now, here, with these wonderful people, with this wonderful young Wesley, I've finally found everything I never knew I always wanted. A family."

A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"Please inform Captain-Commander of my decision, and I wish you both the best. You will live on in my heart forever."

Rukia sighed. "Fine, Kenpachi, we'll buy you a snack when we get home."

"Wowee!" yelled Kenpachi as he bounded onto the transporter platform.

A few seconds later, the three Shinigami were transported back to where they had been picked up, and before they knew it they found themselves sprawled across the ground of a very familiar run-down fish market, with no Hollow dogs in sight.

* * *

"Gosh, what an adventure!" said Kenpachi as the friends picked themselves up.

"You can say that again," agreed Ichigo, brushing the dirt from his robe.

Suddenly, the trio heard a strange buzzing sound. "The Hollow?" whispered Rukia, entering her battle stance mode. "Remember, don't look into its eyes!"

Something hit the ground between the threesome, and all three jumped away, startled. But instead of a malevolent spirit, they found embedded in the ground a glowing white arrow that quickly dissipated.

"Ishida, is that you?" Ichigo called out in annoyance.

"You guessed it!" said Ishida, popping out from behind a nearby stall. "Hey, you guys should tell me the next time you're in Karakura Town! I could've helped you out; I mean, I was jus—"

Ishida looked down to see a zanpakuto through his heart. Rukia walked back to rejoin her friends, wiping the blood from her blade.

"Fucking Quincies," she muttered.

"You said it," said Ichigo as the trio started the trek back to Soul Society.

"Too bad we never did find that Hollow," noted Rukia.

"But hey," said Kenpachi as they passed Ishida's body. "I guess you could say we still killed a dog!"

The three friends laughed all the way home.


End file.
